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Catherine Zeta Jones

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[01 Jul 2003|01:30am]
You win one Oscar and suddenly the whole world wants to be you!

I've wanted to say that for a very long time. Please watch out for imposters, children.

I've been busier than hell lately with all the promotion for the movie and with Carys and Dylan. I haven't seen Carrie-Anne in what seems like years. I am waiting eagerly to hear news about the baby.

I will update more. I promise.

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[23 Jun 2003|10:15am]
Carrie-Anne and I have been spending loads of time together. She's positively ethereal. When she walks into my house, she brings the sun and all its power and beauty with her.

I unfortunately had to miss her baby shower. I was very much looking forward to the opportunity to meet all the people who put that beautiful smile on Carrie's face each day. Dylan has a touch of a cold and I didn't feel right leaving him with the nanny.

Instead, I held him close to me in my big bed, his tiny fingers threaded through my hair. He sniffled and coughed and whispered how much he loved me. "I love you, Mummy." I will never get tired of hearing those words come from his perfectly rose shaped lips. These are the moments I can not bear to think of him growing tall and strong and big enough that some bed sharing with Mummy doesn't make everything okay again.

Dylan has very much enjoyed spending time with Carrie. He asks when she'll be coming over and loves pressing his hands to her belly and telling me that it's just like mine was. He even kisses her belly telling the baby to be good before running away to play again.

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[04 Jun 2003|09:10pm]
I spent a most beautiful waning afternoon with Carrie-Anne and Keanu a few days ago.

I had a marvelous time. Motherhood suits Carrie-Anne and she is comfortable in her skin, a quality I don't feel I've quite mastered while eight months pregnant and that I remain envious of.

I hope we get the opportunity to spend some time together again soon

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[02 Jun 2003|02:18pm]
The compatibility survey everyone is doingCollapse )

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[30 May 2003|07:48pm]
I seem to be tops at avoiding updating.

I've just begun to make public appearances, once again at Michael's side. I am endlessly supporting his endeavors and smiling into his eyes. I am endlessly turning a blind eye to the things he does when thinks I do not see.

I only wish that the facade would end. I remain a woman who has it all and yet has nothing.

How long will I wait for him to turn back to me? How much more will I overlook?

Carys grows everyday. I spend as much time with her as I can tolerate. She resembles Michael so closely.

I see Marc's wedding day grows closer. I am void of emotion toward the man. I wish that I knew what was going on. Sometimes being in the dark is more dangerous than the truth. We shall see how long this marriage lasts. Divorce and failure is a pain I would not wish on him and yet he heads in that direction without a glance backwards. Fools rush in.

I am quite finished as everything I say seems to need to be veiled in the cryptic. One day I will be comfortable sharing myself with a group of people who claim to be my friends. Until then I will be the solitary woman.

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Let's play pretend.... [06 May 2003|02:37am]
If I step back and squint I can almost see the love in his eyes. If I am across the room I can imagine that I am the one he is staring at. If I fall asleep early enough I can pretend he came home at a decent hour.

Loving him is the most masochistic thing I have ever done.

Dylan likes to pretend. So do I.

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I do believe... [04 May 2003|09:02pm]
I seem to recall making plans to dine with Olivier at some point unless my memory tricks me.

We are so busy it has not happened.

Olivier, when will get that lunch?

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The blessings abound [24 Apr 2003|02:10am]
I am living my childhood dream. A successful career that continues to be both fulfilling and challenging and gives me the versatility to stay home with my family or work as much as I would like.

Two absolutely perfect children. A boy and a girl. Both healthy and beautiful and my dream come true.

The financial resources to give my children the best that money can buy, and the opportunity to give them what money can not buy and that is time with me.

A husband who is devoted to our family and to a common goal with me. The relationship that despite our differences and our troubles continues to grow in intimacy and love.

I can not imagine a life more blessed or more perfect than the one I am priveleged enough to lead.

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A little boy and a little girl [22 Apr 2003|12:28am]
[ mood | thrilled ]

Early yesterday morning, Carys Zeta Douglas made her debut on the planet earth. She weighs 6 pounds 12 ounces and was born in Ridgewood, New Jersey.

For those of you wondering about the name, Carys is Welsh and it means "to love". Zeta is my paternal grandmother's name.

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April Resolution [03 Apr 2003|09:50pm]
I will comment more often.

I realize this is pretty much a one-liner but I think it's rather significant. You all will be hearing from me soon.

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[02 Apr 2003|03:38pm]
It's been quite a hectic few weeks. I am still soaring everytime I look at my Oscar perched on the mantel next to Michael's. Dylan enjoys holding it and telling me that it is his. I laugh, but I'm certain one day he will have an Oscar with the words Dylan Douglas inscribed on it.

I am nearing the end of my pregnancy. This is a time of discomfort but I have had so many distractions that I haven't even thought of the discomfort.

Olivier Martinez and I have been corresponding via email. We may even get dinner tonight. I am looking forward to the chance to spend some time with him. I am charmed by him.

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[24 Mar 2003|06:00pm]
When I emerge from the hazy glow of adrenaline and hormones, I am positive that I will have something coherent and profound to say.

Maybe not.

For now I am awestruck and astounded.

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[09 Mar 2003|12:29am]
This update will strike most of you as useless and pointless.

I only wanted to say that I watched Unfaithful today. Olivier Martinez is arguably one of the sexiest men I have ever laid eyes upon.

I spent time in France when I was just beginning to act. My first film was director by Philip De Broca, a french film maker. I learned to speak French both to survive in the country and then later for another film I was in.

When you live in Paris or spend any significant amount of time there you learn its intrinsic romance. The sun sets on the lovers glistening embrace. The stars beg to be kissed under. Every cobblestoned street and cafe breathes romance. You fall in love with love in Paris. I find France and Paris in particular to be a city of decadence and sensuality. From perfume and wine, to fine lingerie and exquisite food living in France is a process of awakening the senses. It is no surprise to me that the French have better sex and more of it.

To this day when I hear a French accent I am transported back to my time in Franch and to awakening of womanhood and sensuality that I experienced there. Seeing a man as exquisite as Olivier whispering in a French accent and doing such erotic things was nearly orgasmic.

I will silence myself now before I embarass myself further.

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I won't even begin telling you how sorry I am [25 Feb 2003|04:09am]
[ mood | still worried ]

Etiquette would dictate that it is crass to quote his song when he sleeps in the next room. It echoes in my mind, even when it doesn't fit.

You may have heard of Lee J. Cobb. In 1949, he brought Arthur Miller's Willy Loman to life on stage. His potrayal is considered to be his greatest triumph and one of the best potrayals of the character. At the time, Lee was quite a young man. Yet he managed to convey the weariness of a man well into his middle age.

Lee was a method actor and in order to properly characterize Willy Lee spent time at the zoo studying an elephant so that he could portray the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Watching Teddy enter the hotel was watching Lee portray Willy Loman. I've only ever seen the movie but Teddy walked just the way Miller would have wanted to Willy to walk. That is with the weight of the world on his shoulders and the slight drag to his feet; the exhaustion and the weariness, the fatalism of having been beaten down scrawled across his body and pulling his shoulders into the ground. I wanted to cry.

When the knock came at the door it was a soft one that was barely audible to me from the other room. I came and opened the door and the elephant walked in, both Teddy and the large white one. Both quietly surveyed the room. He appeared to be internalizing the threats and preparing himself for another round of beatings. There was a fatalism in his eyes that whispered of a camel who needs but one more straw to break his back.

My movements were as slow, gentle and deliberate as I could make them. I can't imagine I have ever stepped more lightly or moved more slowly in my life. I whispered the few words of comfort in my vocabulary. I asked fewer questions than I wanted to because I just couldn't bring myself to push someone who was and remains so precariously close to the edge. I hugged him loosely because I was afraid he might just vaporize in my arms.

He was sleeping when I lasted checked. The restless sleep of haunting dreams that had him tossing and whispering. Tonight I will try again to reassemble the heart or at the very least to ease the pain for just a moment.

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London Rain [25 Feb 2003|02:33am]
[ mood | worried ]

I am on my way to board my chartered flight back to London. A dear friend of mine is going through quite a rough time. I can not concieve of not trying to go there to at least give him a hug and make him a meal.

I have pressed upon him my desire to come and see him. And I know before I have even landed that my presence will be a nuisance. In times of depression and heart ache, I believe we all need a nuisance to remind us that there is in fact a world out there to see and experience. We all need a nuisance to remind us not to seduced by the darkness we contain.

I do not know how long I will stay. We will see how long it takes to reassemble the human heart.

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Finding the beauty in the moment. [24 Feb 2003|12:22am]
Before I begin, Happy Birthday Drew. I have enjoyed our conversations so much and I do hope that we get to have them again soon.

Dylan has taken to speaking to my stomach and kissing it. We have a tape of the ultrasound and he asks to watch his baby brother all the time. I have explained to him that he could have a baby sister and he tells me that he only wants a brother. I could not help but laugh. He says we will name the baby Carl. I told Michael and we both laughed for a while.

It's unexplainable how he reacts at times. The other day he crawled up next to me and asked if he would still be my little prince if he got a baby brother. I assured him he would always be my little prince.

I am due in April, quite close to the Academy Awards which poses a problem. I have told Michael, my publicist, and my doctor that I will be there even if I have to be rolled in on a stretcher. There is no absolutely no way I will miss it. With my luck however I will be all dressed up and ready to go and my water will break.

I am back in Bermuda for the moment. I think within a few weeks we will probably go back to Los Angeles so that I can prepare for the Academy Awards.

I would really like to flesh out my friends list a little bit and expand my horizons. Perhaps someone would like to tell me of journals I should take a look at?

I promise a more prominent presence on AOL Instant Messenger quite soon.

Teddy, darling. I have read of your recent troubles. I simply can not comprehend how anyone could find it possible or desirable to be anything short of perfect to you and for you. If I can do anything to ease the pain of the moment please do not hestitate to let me know.

Uma, I so enjoyed our conversation a few weeks back. We should set up a time to speak again soon.

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It has all been said before [09 Feb 2003|10:36pm]
It amazes me how little I have to say. My life as it stands now is wonderful.

Shall I bore you with the mundane details of my daily life? I should put you all to sleep quickly then. Shall I tell you of how beautiful the sunrise was the other morning? Poets and writers of considerable more talent than I have been striving to describe the rapturous beauty of a sunrise since humanity put pen to paper.

Shall I tell you of the joys of motherhood and life as a wife? Surely, these details would be interesting to only a few. I could describe the way my heart soars when I see his smile but again, my words would do no justice. I have neither the vocabulary nor the talent to explain these things.

I will try to live an interesting life in these next few weeks and tell you all of it.

Until then I remain faithfully yours,


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The end. [24 Jan 2003|09:08am]
Michael came to see me in Bermuda before I left for LA. It was a strained conversation. He really had nothing to apologize for. We had agreed to have an open marriage for a time and to see what that would bring. He saw someone and I got jealous. I saw someone and he got jealous and in our jealousy, frustration and anger we lost sight of our family and our life together. He eventually ended things with the other woman and he was asking me to end things with Marc. I told him I couldn't. I loved and was in love with Marc. I couldn't even stay married to him. Michael is a fighter but he does have his pride and so he said he understood and kissed my forehead. I'll never forget his words to me.

I came to LA to try and start a life with Marc. It has been strained for a while. Marc's desire to see other people and his need to expand our relationship had shown me that there was a possibility he wasn't who I thought. I shouldn't have been surprised. You can not build a relationship on sex. I was a fool to think otherwise.

It became obvious through the course of my time here that things with Marc weren't going to work. Michael still called and we spoke not as ex-spouses but as friends. He was making me laugh. He was beginning to remind me of the Michael Douglas I married. I would hang up the phone to see Marc there and feel so incredibly torn. I knew Marc was pulling away from me. I knew the inevitable was beginning and I fought it.

I read his entries and all they have spoken about is his desire to be with other women. And not just in a sexual sense but his need to pursue something Keri. This need to try things with a man. I will not be his second choice. I will not be anyone's second choice. Dylan was getting very attached and I knew time was running out. I needed to make a decision and so did Marc. Commit to this current relationship or end it.

All I needed was twenty four hours back in my home with Michael and a quiet late dinner with him to make my decision. Michael may not be perfect but he knows what he wants. He may not always do the right thing but he's always honest. His decisions are well thought out and he's stable, rational and logical. He has a maturity that I believe comes with age. At the moment, there isn't passion between us but I am assured that passion like the tides, has high and low points and will return to us.

I ended things with Marc and it did get messy. He seemed more outraged that I would be going back to Michael than that we were ending. I tried to explain to him what appealed to me about Michael and what made me decide to save our marriage. I am raising a family with him. We are having a baby. It's better for Dylan and the baby for Michael and I to take a real shot at it.

I've realized now that I've woken up with Michael next to me that he was what I wanted all aong. We left our marriage vows behind for a time in search of something new and different and we returned to each other more commited.

We will make this work.

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[23 Jan 2003|12:10am]
I don't know what to say. I often remain silent for this very reason, turning things over in my head again and again trying to work through them.

I hestitate to put anything in black and white unless I am sure of it. In a time of this much confusion, writing seems entirely too permanent.

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[11 Jan 2003|02:37am]
You used to sleep so peacefully, wrapped up with me and the sheets, so close that I could not distinguish your heart beat from mine, so tangled that our limbs were locked nand inseperable.

Now, you toss fitfully next to me and my attempts to hold, caress and soothe you are tossed off violently in your dreams. Am I stranger in your bed? Are you the stranger in mine? Daylight comes and you kiss me as if nothing is wrong and we both ignore the haunted eve.

Tell me what to do?

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